Sunday, July 11, 2010

My mother

I went and saw her yesterday.
J, had me go in with a plan, and a schedule. thank god!
I got there at 12:15 pm and reset her cable boxes, put soda in the fridge and disposed of the garbage, the J brought me coffee and I had to run down stairs to get it while mom was on the phone with the cable guy. so I am soaked in sweat, and mom is mad I left her.
then she needs her feet and legs washed, so I do that and put the cream on them.
I find out that her worker is too rough and doesn't know her own strength, that is why my mother's hand is bruised, and as I look at it I can see that the bruises are finger print shaped. It was all I could do not to hit the roof.
so in washing her legs I see that she has shit herself, so I get her to the bathroom to change her diaper and wash her down with her wet wipes. then I gave her a all over wipe down.
then I got her back into bed and put drops in her eyes (she has tumors in them.) (did I mention that my mother still drives when she can't get anyone to help her?) it has been an hour and a half so I am soaking wet with sweat.
I leave to go to the gym to get a bath. I have less that 30 minute to bathe and dress.
I am out of breath when I am done. I go back and get her dressed and ready to go. she has to take 2 big bags to her car cause someone is stealing all if her stuff. (she is paranoid schizo affective)
to back up I talked to her Friday and made her a blanket which she loved. she didn't sleep Friday night so by the time we are ready to go to dinner she has been awake of 24+ hours.
so we get the stuff in the car and J shows up to take us to dinner. we get her walker in the car next to mine and I get her in the back seat. I had to lift her (she is 230lbs) then get her buckled in. so we are on the road to dinner and I and soaking wet with sweat and out of breath.
(keep in mind I am 460 lbs)
so we get to dinner and it is 4pm. I have been going since 10 am and running hard since noon.
the place has crab legs and is an all you can eat buffet (no surprise there, mom wanted to buy my meal and I told her no and you will see why in a minute)
I spent from 4 to 5:30 cracking crab legs, 2 huge plates.
I pack a soup bowl with crab for mom, and start on the next one for her, I got a plate and would crack a leg and take a bite. (I am a grazer, I like little bits of food now and then instead of a huge meal where you get sick and I have food allergies so I an careful what I eat.)
so I am almost done with the second bowl and mom THEN tells me that she is full of crab and that the bowl is for me. CRAP!
I had some crab for a birthday dinner 2 weeks or so ago, and it was spoiled and I got sick.
the last friggen thing I want to eat is crab, so I suck it up and put lemon on it and eat it.
I am so gacked at this point.
( why I didn't let mom buy me dinner? it is an all you can eat... she expects you to have 4 plates and stuff yourself till you want to vomit. she kept remarking how little I was eating, and that I needed to get my moneys worth. I ate what I wanted and I didn't eat to much, but she will bring it up for weeks, how I didn't get my moneys worth, and god forbid how she didn't have to pay for me eating so little)
so we go to the bathroom and mom has an accident which I help her clean up. so we wait for J to come and get us and we are talking.
she told me, because I have been asking about her care that she has all the help and hours that she wants from her PCA, and not to interfere.
I figured out that her PCA is suppose to work Monday thru Saturday, well last week she worked Monday thru Thursday and this week Tuesday thru Friday. I spent(yesterday) Saturday with her and no sign of the PCA.
Mom says that she doesn't have her work Sundays cause she wants longer days when her PCA works.
so either the PCA is not working her hours or she is just making the days she does show up longer, so mom has more time to do stuff.
Guess who she wants to take up the slack.
you got it. ME!
now during the 4 days she was left alone for the fourth of July weekend, she went hungry. she called my aunt and asked her to cook something for her, my aunt said that she doesn't cook any more. My uncle who is my mother's brother is 1 1/2 younger and has Alzheimer's.
so my aunts hands are full.
so I get her home and out of the car and get the stuff out of her car, and get up stairs and get her undressed and get her water and meds, and every thing taken care of it is 7pm.
I am so tired and can hardly breath.
I get home and it is all I can do to get up the stairs and get to my room. J and the cave troll got me into bed and meds and such and I passed out at 8pm. I slept but not soundly till 1 am and got up to an asthma attack. got J down here and he got me pain meds and I got on the computer and did some work.
so here I am. I hurt all over. my knees are jello.

My mother wants me to come over today and fetch and tote and etc.
I can barely move and I told her so.

mom on Friday wanted me to take her cat in and have it shaved and etc at the vet.
Minimum 350.00.
I don't have that kind of money.
I just wiped out my savings on fixing the car, that three of us drive.
so she wants me to shave her cat. I have no clippers. So I went to craigslist asking for clippers and on Freecycle. she wanted me to go buy a pair, and not a cheap one. when she buys it its can be cheap, when someone else is paying it has to be the top of the line.

did I mention the last time I had anything to to with cats I ended up in the hospital with steroids and breathing treatments and antihistamines.
Oh!, and the cat bites.

I knew this would not be easy. my mother is higher maintenance than I am.
if she doesn't want to let me help her make her situation better then that is all I can do. I don't have it in me to physically take car of her.
I told her that I would help her as long as she let me.
and she is not willing to help me help her.
because she took care of my grandmother she thinks I should take care of her physically and financially. I have neither means to do that.
I will try to talk to her a little longer, I have to recuperate, and we will not have another day like today, I don't have it in me.
I will more than likely have to report this to protective services and the state. but I have to be sure of my facts first and things are still cloudy, as my mother is very paranoid.

I needed to vent so I can go to sleep.
all this in my head makes it impossible to sleep.
it will be better now.
thanks for listening.


Anonymous said...

Wow, caring for the aged, relatives or not, is more difficult than raising kids. You are a miracle worker considering your own situation. Go girl, sleep.


Tempo said...

Oh my god Shan, how could you cope with this long term. It sounds like your mothers is a very demanding woman who takes you for granted. Please try to look after yourself a bit more.

Adorabibble said...

thanks for the love both of you.
I got some sleep and I still hurt.

Beth said...

WTF!! Bib, get the hell away from this woman who only wants to fucking DESTROY you. I mean it. You owe her nothing. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

Adorabibble said...

I love you too Beth.