Monday, January 26, 2009

last nights dream...

life is a race,
death is hot on your heels.
You can run from universe to universe,
he will still catch you.
It doesn't mean that you aren't the best runner ever,
death is better than you,
he has been chasing things down since the beginning of time.
So your choices are run from,
running from death,
running from your life,
hitting the wall,
being stopped dead.
Running to.
on your way stopping and living your life,
from universe to universe.
running to the finish line,
meeting death with open arms,
winning the race.

I truly hate being chased, it's a thing from my childhood like everything else is. I think I know why. sometimes I am running to stand still. never getting any where and hoping death will catch me. I have "friends" (other really crazy people I know) that keep hoping for a terminal illness. they are to scared to live to frightened to take there lives, (not that they don't keep trying.) had a friend who rented a hotel room and sat in the tub and drank 3/4th of a gallon of antifreeze, and put the hair dryer in the tub with her. the hair dryer didn't kill her not even close, it ran in the water blowing the water around. she was trying to poison and electrocute herself. neither happened, the antifreeze made her really sick, last time I saw her she couldn't stand the smell of dry erase markers. the police broke down the door, and she was so mad ( she had let someone know what she was doing, hence the police and the massive hotel bill and ban). or another will take her weekly med cassette the whole thing at once and get sick then have to go to the clinic and get her meds doled out to her daily for a while.
they really don't do anything other than get pissed off and piss everyone else off, and make there life harder.
Now there are a don't wish for what you want things. I am *NOT* actively suicidal or para suicidal, what changed?
I was clean for 6 months (3 1/2 years ago) and I developed stage 5 kidney failure, with less that 3 months to live, My dr's exact words in July of 2005 were " You won't live to see snow on the mountains(October), make your funeral plans." here I had what i had always wished for!
It is never as nice as romanticized, TRUST ME!. I got really pissed. I had just begun to live and I was going to die. In treatment I had as an assignment to write my own obituary. not many people do this one, I did. It was *pathetic*. I hadn't done anything, had anyone that loved me, and had to put died at home of "natural causes"( anything you see that or had an "accident at home" means SUICIDE) unless they are over 50 and specify an long illness, or heart failure, or cancer.
So here I was going to die, and my partner J. told me that I could go out as a pain in everyone's ass or I could go out happy. then he went to his room and broke down and swore he would never love anyone again.
So I got happy I looked at the mountains *allot*, quit most of my meds, quit smoking, got rid of anyone toxic, or anything toxic in my life and settled down to live what I had left of my life.
Well, I didn't die. They know that I was in total renal failure by what my kidneys are doing to day. the kidney specialist that I had at the time (ASSHOLE) didn't want to do a biopsy cause I was dying and they didn't want to torture me. I have a better one now.
Ya know what she told me, next attempt, wouldn't be an attempt. I would be dead. that my body couldn't handle it, and to knock off the stupid shit. I love her.
You know what has gotten me through? J.
he won't stop loving me no matter how hard I pushed, and no matter what i did. If I was going to die I was going to take him with me. he might as well be dead if I wasn't around.
How's that for playing dirty?
I love him and I will cause his death if I die.
what incentive....
There are many years of damage to undo, by myself and others. I work on it every day. and boy is it a picnic... with poison food and man eating tarantula's.
things keep popping up, (this is life what did I expect? tea and roses, that it would be fair or fun?)
not sure what the original hurt is, there has been so much.
more than some.
less than others.
You know what i have figured out to be true, I am more like the rest of you than I am not.
that pain is pain, broken arm to broken leg? it all sucks and hurts.
every body has shit and sunshine in there life.
Nobody gets away with nothing. I haven't, EVER.
I don't need to be there to see other get what is coming. the universe has it's way of sorting everyone out.
My grandmother, the best of a bad lot, still no picnic herself, went out *screaming* with her last breath. not a death rattle, a psychotic scream, either she was warning them she was coming, or she didn't like what was coming. either way it's between her and what
another truth? that today is one more day than I am supposed to have.
My grandmother called us the cockroach of the Irish. when she died she was 78 and it still took her 3 months to starve to death at starting weight of 98 lbs, after surgery. some cancer some heart, some what ever. they said that if she had took treatments that she would still be alive and live to over 100. that woman had more strokes and heart attacks than anyone I have seen.
My mother who is 65 (I have mentioned Her *Psychoticiness* (like Her *Magistracy* who is how I will refer to her from now on) ) has had cancer 3 times, major cancer, like there is anything other??????? kind.
thyroid& para thyroid, cervical, and breast.
as she is still living in public housing not more than a mile from me.
she changes all of her locks as her payee will let her.
someone keeps breaking in and steals her bird food and dish soap.
*HINT* She feeds her bird, and someone(chore person, if she can keep them) washes her dishes.
one of my mothers lovely diagnoses is a Paranoid Schizo Affective.
we will go into her driving escapades later, and the times I have talked the ER dr's out of committing her to the local loony bin.

So things to be grateful for:
1) one more day than I was promised(I'm on borrowed time, and it is cool, and very freeing, cause no matter what happens I have won.)
2) nobody or biddy gets away with anything!
3) Her **Psychoticiness** is living her days out alone!
if I seem cruel, Oh well...
I can't even begin to count the time she has personally tried to kill me.

We all have our demons some still wear skin suits, others only live on in nightmares.
Till next time!

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