Monday, January 26, 2009

an open letter to my family

I have been doing a ton of work on myself lately. and one of the things that I have been working on is ending hopeless relationship, (Not that we have ever had or have one now)
As a result, I have thought long and hard about this. I think we all realized this was coming along time ago. I have never fit in to the family, and there is no point keeping sending postcards of "I'm okay, hope you are". Dad, to you I am a mistake, I'm not a mistake but a reminder of your failures to me. I have allot of your good traits and plenty of your bad ones along with the mess of my mothers family. I am tired of pretending, that "one day... you will all love me and it will all be okay" it never has been and never will be. I'm the reminder of all of the failures and bad things. I remember when I was 18 and you guys had moved and I called to ask if I could come live with you as my world was falling apart. and I got the "no" and the never will be good enough speech. "thin, pretty, smart enough, or the right~ job, house, car, husband, kids, retirement." I have ALWAYS wanted it to be different. I wanted at one point to fit in and be loved by you. I'm me though, and it was never good enough. You helped bring me into this world, and screwed me up by either action or none at all. there were so many times I needed you, You could of taken us when the divorce was final. You picked yourself, over me and my brother, you fought for him, as I was always the pampered liar. You have no idea what that woman did to me. and with the pictures you had of (my brother) you could of gone to the authorities and they would of given you custody. You had to save you and only you. then you married the perfect wife with the perfect children. do you know why the state made you take me and (my brother)? I truly believed that if I went back to my mother that she would kill me, and they believed me. You understood how dangerous she was to you? You have said that you would of drank yourself to death if you had stayed with her. What do you think she was doing to us? You ignored when I would call for help. it has been that way all of my life. Not for one moment do I think that any of you are getting away with anything. I never have. You did your duty as the state required. I always wished I was good enough, You know what, I am. I have been on my own all of my life. I have made horrible mistakes and choices, and I have payed for them with my soul, I have what I have earned, we all do. I got clean, and I thought that "Now I will be good enough" No one cared. My life means nothing to any of you. I got the chicken pox, and you told me when I could finally get a hold of you, (I know you have a life, and it has always been more important than anyone else) " that anyone who was anybody had your cell phone # " have you ever been kicked in the head? cause that was what it was like when you said that. I never knew you had one let alone your#. It finally hit me (thank god) You truly have never cared. It was a shock to me. As if your treatment of me my whole life wasn't an indicator. Your abandonment of me has effected every relationship I have ever had. I now know where I got the "I'm gonna hurt me before you hurt me thing" came from. I have a man that loves me, the first man to love me in my entire life, the only man that has ever loved me, and I am afraid because of all of the bullshit between you and I. Well, I am working to over come that harder than I have ever worked before. I need this mans love, it is healing me. We are healing each other. And you know what, You wouldn't like him. I am the most important thing in his world, period.
It took me forever to realize that I am good enough, strong enough and people love me. My whole life has gotten me to this point, and every decision you had ever made, and everyone before you. I have a life worth living, and for that I am grateful to you for bringing me into this world, as I am to my mother. I am figuring out what my purpose is and making a difference in my life and those around me. despite everything I am growing into the most beautiful person, with a life I never dreamed possible. I have worked very hard for all of this. and if it matters not one bit to any of you then??? what can I do, nothing. EXCEPT end the charade that I have a family somewhere that will love me one day IF I am good enough. I am thankful to you all for helping getting me to this point of my life, and now it is time to say good bye, for good. I can't say I forgive you, that's not up to me. this is my life and has been for a long time, it is time to stop blaming you for what has happen. it is just that it happened, and it is over and done. and can't be taken back, relived or any other notion, I can and will move on, keeping my eyes forward and my feet under me. I thank you for the life lessons, as I wouldn't be me today with out them. I am not going any further with any of you. I will live my life and be grateful that I have my friends and my loved ones. I wish you all whatever happiness you can find or have earned. there will be no further contact, I wish you all a full and well life. I end it here.

this is a letter i sent to my father and that side of my family right before thanksgiving this last year. (Her Psychoticiness, got a verbal one of these 3 years ago, and no contact since then.)
this is part of my therapy that I am doing well part of a pod, of interpersonal effectiveness, IE setting boundaries, saying "no", putting myself first, ending hopeless relationships.
I didn't have to mail it. I did though. I am tired if writing letters and burning them to release them then writing them again a month later. I needed some action and closure. Now in mailing this to my Father, and such I had no want of a return letter, just mailing it was enough, whether it ever got there was ever opened or even read. I wanted it, *needed* sent.
that's when the nightmares bloomed, nothing is without consequences. I have to date not gotten a response, Thanks to what ever. and I knew I wouldn't ever get a response. that's how my father is.
now this is why I now have a Cardiologist, as the stress of sending this cause a force 10X infinity panic attack that they thought was having a heart attack.
they say the only way out is through, so through the pain I go.
See there is a quandary, I don't work through these issues and they *will kill me*. if I do It feels like I am dying. that is the reason I was a poly substance abuser for so many years. (they the ex's (experts)) put me on Thorazine at 14. things developed from there and in 1994 my Grandmother died, couple of very abusive marriages in between and a now current ex (shemale) was a huge drug addict. monkey see monkey do. so between the meds that they were giving me,(every dr has a pill) and the ones I was begging for and getting. (dr's will give you anything if you make a big enough scene just to get you to go away.) and the ones that my new wonderful drug dealing friends were giving me (hint they give them away before they start charging) and Oh how you pay. So I spent allot of time higher that a kite.
I didn't do drugs cause they were fun.... THEY SUCKED, especially the withdrawals, doing the drugs and what I chose to do to get them, as a matter of fact everything about the drugs sucked. (and the effects are still with me to this day, You *never stop paying*)
I was lucky that I was never arrested, ever. just spent lots of time in the local loony bin(or at least it felt like it) spent most of my life between 400lbs to 550+ (that wall of fat keeps me safe...) yeah *right*. the pain of my life was unlivable I wanted to die and was to scared to do it quick, so an inch at a time here and there. I did the drugs that you felt nothing. all I wanted was to be completely blotto. it seemed better than dealing with my past and present.
that was then. this is now.
I have some meds for real conditions(which I would of killed for to have something actually wrong with me, that they could physically see or diagnose) I could be a PM patient. I refuse. I know where that will lead. I get up every day, as my job is being me, and I do the best I can. I chip away at the pain when I feel strong, like now. I have a new therapy thing in the works, and I will work on it till I feel like I am going to die. it always gets worse before it gets better. Pandora Radio is Playing Space Oddity, god how apt.
It will a hurt a bit for a while, (oh who am I kidding I will wish that I had been only kicked in the head repeatedly) while I work on this new (or not so) issue, new person old issue.
and I will work on it till something in me gives, then I will have a bit of a break down and take a break till it starts all over.
It is like an infected wound, You have to clean and cut away the bad before you can take the steps to let it start to heal. then it starts to heal and is tender and itches, and finally there is a scar, but no open infected wound. then you move on to the next one.
So I am back to work on myself again, dealing with something I can no longer ignore, part of a larger life problem. I know it is time when things just come out all at once, like the letter above, that was the last one. the next one came out tonight. and I will take it to my therapist tomorrow, and she will help me with it and some of my friends will have there input. ultimately it will be my words stripped of all of the unnecessarily-ness. Then it will end up in the hand of the rightful current owner.
that is the dilemma, when a old wound is opened by a new person they get all of the other old crap too, if you are not *very* careful. that's why it gets written and strained for traces of old hurt, so it is specific to the current situation, while dealing with an over all problem.
Everyone is a teacher, whether you like it or not.
if you don't like something about them,(probably cause it strikes to close to home in something you don't like in you or your life) or something that they are doing(once again see above).
They say you learn until the moment you die.
At least I am now awake, and dealing with things far once to painful to even be in the same body with.
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger or makes you want to die.
I love Irony, I never understood it. I do now.
what makes it all worth it? I have this minute, right now, more than I was expected to have.
and I no longer hear "shut up and take your meds, we never expect any more of you than this with your life history how could we?"
I will never be right... BTW what is "right"?
how can I be something that I don't even know exists.
I *am* another human making my way in the world, doing the best I can.
not trying, doing.

What else is there? Oh, death... I am not ready yet. and I am not going without one hell of a fight... just the old hurt, an unnecessary part that once served me to live that are no longer an asset, but a huge determent. that part of me can go away.
Maybe that is why my grandmother went out screaming. she decided that she didn't want to live anymore, that she had no reason. then when she was going to die and could do nothing about it. the warrior in her that is the warrior in me kicked in, and got really angry. maybe she saw what she was a party to in life and how she wouldn't live to see me break the cycle. She was the strongest and weakest woman i have ever met. sometimes I go to her grave and curse her, and sometimes I go to sing to her and lay on her grave and talk to her to tell her what she is missing, what she gave up on. I don't know whether to hate her, or to just...? I don't know.
I don't know if she would recognize me, or even like me. I am turning in to everything she wasn't, and couldn't be.
I am different and I still love her even if I don't like the person she was.
she was my best friend, my first love, my temporary mother, very limited protector, and a horrible human being.
I wonder where/who she is now.
is she finally getting it, that pop, when your head leaves your ass?
is she happy?
I hope so. I have something she never had
I love you where ever you are, who ever you are, you crazy old bat.
here's to dead sometimes loved ones.
thanks for reading...

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