Monday, November 9, 2009

looky what I gots in the email!

Subject: : Thanks!

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over
the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper
towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about
the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what
the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about
poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge
with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if
I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS..

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water
splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician . .. .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.



Argentum Vulgaris said...

LOLOLOLOL that was great.... Loved it.

Didn't catch me at the end because I was picking my nose, now you can't touch anyone's mouse for fear of where their fingers might have been!



Adorabibble said...

isn't this one great!

Argentum Vulgaris said...

It is, and thanks for the plug above.


Michael said...


I have insufficient brain activity.

Do you hate it too?
"If you're going through Hell, keep going."

Adorabibble said...

mee too,, I felt like an ass, so ya are not alone