Tuesday, November 10, 2009
in 3 weeks since joining the gym, and one of those weeks with the flu. I have lost 16lbs
I see the personal trainer tomorrow, and then there will be swimming.
I am doing well and I am being cautious and keeping my expectations low.
just by being over 450lbs the weigh will come off quickly. the Dr is monitoring everything. I see said Dr, Friday.
and I have been eating for 5 days, and so it is not water weight.
people are starting to notice. it makes me uncomfortable.
last time I got thinner the men noticed and I got raped and all the weight went back on.
I am stronger, and less of a victim. I am still scared.
I know who my friends are, that is the easy part of being fat, no pretentious.
I see what people think of me right away. nothing is hidden.
I am sick to death of being fat, and it is killing me.
I am scared.
I used to be to scared to live and to scared to die.
it makes me want to eat myself to death.
I have tried that and it doesn't work.
I feel like I have armer that is killing me.
what now... I just keep working, and hoping that with faith this time will be different.
I just don't have another one in me.
this time is do or die.
I just hope being thinner doesn't kill me.
there we have my biggest fear of the moment.
it will work or I will die. lovely.
thanks for reading.
I don't expect comments.
this is my journal part of this thing.