Sunday, February 13, 2011

what does anger do?

well in my case, nothing nice.
I had a force 10+ melt down last night for 4 hours.
the screaming and yelling, and the nasty words that are meant to hurt...
My pain is through the roof, my stomach is in knots, and I had particular uglier night of nightmares.
what prompted this? you ask...
My pain and stress are causing my memory to not be clear.
what does that mean? I am forgetting(?) things, important things, well at least to me.
my memory has been my saving grace, kept me out of trouble, and saved my ass.
I thought I paid something off, and I still have no idea if I did or not. and the other person is not known for the best memory, so we split the difference, and all receipts must be signed by both people for it to be valid, And I got a ledger, backups...

It also makes me hot that I have to depend on others to drive me places. I am still losing weight, how much I will find out on my birthday in June. thing is I am still around 450 lbs or around 200 kg give or take... so I am not really moving well yet, but better than it was. I still need my walker, sometimes.

I just have a case of "Fucking February" every year but this one, I go up on my medications, especially the one that keep me from killing others, or myself.
where did I get all of this anger? the hard way, years of being a doormat and slave to everyone, but my own needs. I am not important enough, I don't rate.
I DO!!!!
I have been doing this now for almost 6 years. I feel old and tired, and scared.
that is why I am losing weight, I have things to live for. never did before.
people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up? alive, was my answer. no definite plans just somewhere where it didn't hurt to be me.
So I am trying to stay focus oriented, and in the present moment.
that is all and I am out of here.

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