Wednesday, February 9, 2011

of Piñatas and other shiny things...

it is Happy I love you day, here at home. My other half is sick in bed, and I am in the role of caretaker, of both of us. fortunately we tend to get sick in opposite of each other. and I have really great friends, (thanks CT and Zanna) I don't know how I would do this without you!
Everyday is Happy I love you day, since he asked me to marry him.

I am bone tired, and almost over my stuff. my stomach is still hands off bets at thus point. I am living on liquids and soft food as I have for the last four months. the weight is really coming off. which is great. I had blood work done last week, and it showed up great, everything normal.
I think the cutting down on medicine, and just my chronic( and unbearable) pain and illness have just caught up to me.

I am worried about my liver. My mother liver is failing and it is a death sentence for her.
Some one hit my relationship (or lack of) with my mother up so well yesterday.
My mother didn't want kids, she wanted SLAVES.
it isn't about me, I never actually figured into the picture, except for what I could do for her. it is all about her, always has been. Just a undeniable factoid of life.

I love her, I just can't be anywhere near her, My father is just the same way. they aren't bad people. it is far to dangerous to me to let these people in my life, or to have anything to do with them. this kinda stuff get in the back of my brain and sits there and eats at me in the quiet place in my mind, the lonely little space in the dark where I am small.

J and I have been talking as we often do... he says that I am like a Piñata.
this hard shell, covering the prize that is ME. who I really am and was.
I asked him how he could love someone like me... I always thought that he saved me from myself. he clarified that he saved me from my life and what it took to deal with it. there was this hard shell that I had built around myself to protect me, and it just kept getting thicker as a form of self protection. What he saw was under the shell, and who I really was. he is first and foremost my friend, my first one, and for along time my only friend.
God knows I wasn't. I am still working on that and it keeps getting better.

This is who I am.
it has been hard to write lately, I get distracted and I am all over the place. I am like a squirrel on crack who mentally shit it's self, nice picture huh?
Have you every mentally shit yourself?
I do all the time and it is a hard thing to clean up.

Duran Duran has there new album out, as you may or may not know how much I love there music ALLOT!!! there first single is All You Need Is Now. it is a fun song about staying in the moment. It is something that I try to do, staying in the moment. I have spent too much of my life living in the past. I am tired and beat up as fuck.
The point of power is in the present moment. that is by far one of my favourite sayings. it is one of life's truisms, painfully so.
so here is to now, and my life that I have worked so hard for, and all the love I have.

Thanks for reading!

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