Friday, February 25, 2011

being awake at odd hours...

well here it is not even the butt crack of dawn, no that is at least 5 hours off. it is past midnight in the in-between. the dark time. time when I can't sleep. I hate it because It means I will sleep into the after noon tomorrow.
it is impossible with medication decreasing, pain, and being sick to try to regulate my sleep schedule. I was dead to the world most of the day.
the night before CT and I went to the used book store (AAAAGH) I got out of there for $40. everything looks good in there. I love paper books, the way they feel and smell. have you smelled your books lately? I love how old books smell. then we went out to dinner. Pan-Asian cuisine. in the form of all you can eat. I got one plate of food, I couldn't finish it, so CT did for me. we like the same stuff and he loves to eat more than I do.
not like what I have is contagious, just painful.

did you know that I used to shoot Heroin? and other things.
well it caused my kidneys to fail. now I have Kidney disease.

"Glomerulonephritis, also known as glomerular nephritis, abbreviated GN, is a renal disease (usually of both kidneys) characterized by inflammation of the glomeruli, or small blood vessels in the kidneys.[1] It may present with isolated hematuria and/or proteinuria (blood or protein in the urine); or as a nephrotic syndrome, a nephritic syndrome, acute renal failure, or chronic renal failure. They are categorised into several different pathological patterns, which are broadly grouped into non-proliferative or proliferative types. Diagnosing the pattern of GN is important because the outcome and treatment differs in different types. Primary causes are ones which are intrinsic to the kidney, whilst secondary causes are associated with certain infections (bacterial, viral or parasitic pathogens), drugs, systemic disorders (SLE, vasculitis) or diabetes." from Wikipedia.

the key word in that paragraph is "Inflammation". well to find out that my bladder is following the same course, except for one small thing. My immune system thinks that my bladder is an invading enemy.
this kind of thing is known as an auto immune disorder.
it isn't contagious, but it is very painful.
then on top of that my nerves miss fire, in my face head neck and shoulders.
along with other pain and depression, it just pisses me off.

the poisons that I put into my body. ME, I.
I did this to myself.
I am the reason that I am in pain.
I shot drugs and took things that caused it, the failure of my body.
as time goes on more shows up.
I lost it when my grandmother died in 1994. I was 24 years old. I wanted to die with her. she was at that point the only person that loved me, she was as sick and twisted as the rest. she loved me.
after that I fell into a pit of despair that I almost didn't make it out of. it took me 11 years to pull out of it, that left me at 35 years old. I was a train-wreck, still am.
half a dozen years later. here I am.
My body is so beaten up and in so much pain that I just want it to stop.
it won't, as long as I am alive.

So I am getting off of my medications. next week starts the tapering of my trazadone. If I can't sleep now, how will I do it when I don't have the drugs to sedate me? while it is an antidepressant it is also an effective sleeping pill.
this is getting scary here.
I sleep on the average of 13 hours a night. this I know by my C-pap machine, it has a smart card in it that tells them those kind of things. it takes great measures to get me to sleep. and once there it take 13 hours for the stuff to work it's self off. I am a night mare in the morning.
bad dreams and pain are the first things that greet me. then it is a race to get my pain under control. then there is the nausea, and the vomiting. I have to keep it together until my stomach calms down or turns it's self inside out. never know.
Oh and I don't know how the day is going to go until I get up and see how bad it is. IT? the pain and everything else that goes with it.
I have trouble making appts.
most places make you give 24 hours notice then they ding ya if you don't get it. after 3 of those they then drop my ass. that is what happened to physical therapy, I could not make it. too many sick days. I understand, they don't.
most of my Dr's are that way. they still treat me if I was a junkie. yeah...
I have to get a hair cut. I currently have a Mohawk. my hair is too long and it hurts my head. having them shave my head is easier, it hurts, but what doesn't? sometimes, no all the time when my face gets going, my hair feels like it is on fire.
hang on bathroom break and water time. I will be up all night pissing. the water I have to drink is a miserable amount. and when it hurts to pee you don't want to drink. not drinking makes it worse. I have to dilute what is in my bladder.

Well aren't I lovely this fine twilight?
I look like I have been crying (which I have been) I look tired and in pain, much thinner, still unhappy all around.
trips to the abusement park, are taking there toll.
don't mind me I am trying to make myself tired enough to go to sleep. I yawned so that's good.
my bladder isn't as elastic as it was, what does that mean?
I know I have to go to the bathroom, cause I am going already. was that TMI? like I care. don't like it? don't read!
bear with me I am blowing off steam.
So this is my life as I know it.
I will do nothing productive tomorrow, as it will be lost to sleep.
well at least I have good books to read. only problem with that is I forget what was in the book.
I read one and don't realize until half way through that I have already read it. which is fine, it saves on books.
My meds finally kicked in. I will go lay down and try to sleep.
see ya all on the flip side!


Beth said...

I want to hug you, sweet Bib, and make it all better for you. Of course magic is not within reach, but friends are. I'm here.

Adorabibble said...

I appreciate all the love and support.