Wednesday, February 16, 2011

when bad things happen.

today one of my lovely friends was woken up by the phone. her mother died.
her mother and my mother should of known each other.
they were both horrible mothers. not horrible people, they can't help what they were.
abusive people are not always bad people. they were usually abused, and mistreated and that is all they know. I am only going on experience here.
My friend is one of my oldest friends, and allot like me.
she would never hurt a fly, unless she was the fly.
self destructive behaviour is no different from assault, it is just self assault.

she was hospitalized today, in a crisis recovery center. think low tech looney bin.
when I went to visit her tonight, she kept slipping away from me. she had marks on her head where she had banged it in therapy today. she was catatonic for a bit and I had to wait it out while I held her hand, and told her I loved her. she started to bang her head and I had put myself in-between her and the table she was sitting at. I had to tell her in my best voice that if she continued they would put here somewhere far worse, and to knock it off...

I felt bad but I had to get her to stop.
she told me that she was hurting so bad, that if she felt physical pain it would stop.
only problem when you are in a lock down facility, is if you act out in any way they make you suffer. I had to get a nurse to help me. know what she told me? "I will be there in a moment"
man, they really care! and I told the nurse that. she looked at me. she is going to be in there a while, and if I don't mind my P&Q'S I will not be let back in to see her, and she needs me now.
I hate that she can't be safe at home. She wants to go home, but she wouldn't take care of her self. she would just disappear, into her self. she has done it before, 3 days one time. me and another of her friends were ready to call the police that time. she could of gone into a diabetic coma, and never woken up.
I feel so helpless. the stupid nurse said to her I bet you miss your mom? both of us looked at her, I informed the nurse she wasn't that kind of mother but the other kind of mother...
maybe it is me and the fact that it is close to that time of month. (surgery did not take, and my bladder is in full flare) maybe it is that I have been sick for so long, and so is J.
I have been mean and pissy all day.

she has to go through this as well all do, you are born, you are going to die, and so will everyone you love and hate. none of them will be here in 100 years, none of us.
we are finite, and very very small.
Soon will be my mothers time to go. god only knows and doesn't care, when she is going.
both my parents as far as I know are still alive. when they die I am sure I will know eventually, some pain in the ass shit head relative will rejoice in telling me of my parents last days, and I will listen, and thank them. and then I will do what I have done for years now. mourn the loss of them. I am mourning over live(as far as I know) people.
what am I mourning?
the relationship that I never had and feel robbed of. "robbed" of. more like "cluster fucked and raped until dead" of. I don't know how I survived my childhood, let alone the rest of it.
and I keep going, even when I and so pissed that I can't see. literally, my vision won't focus.
I am so raw tonight, angry, and just crushed.
She will have to take her time to grieve, and it will be at her schedule. grief is like that.
my grandmother died and it took me 10 years to get back on track.
During those 10 years I shot heroin, and did god knows what else, cause I was in pain.
My bottom was ugly and damn near killed me.
I love this woman with a fierceness that hurts. I have known her for 18 years. we have been to hell and back together. how much more can she take? I dunno.
I will go back tomorrow if I can walk, everything hurts right now. and I will keep going back. until they let her out. I am her friend and I have been in a similar position. visitors are a luxury, when you are in those places. not much can be brought in. I knitted something soft for her, and gave it to her, to hold and to pet. I just hope they let her keep it. the nurse said it was okay, they change their minds each shift.
here is to my buddy and the hell she is going through. I love you, please don't hurt yourself.
( I know I told you this when I left tonight when you wanted to smuggle me in your room and keep me with you. I did mean it)

It was only one hour ago
it was all so different then
theres nothing yet has really sunk in
looks like it always did
this flesh and bone
its just the way that you would tied in
now theres no-one home

i grieve for you
you leave me
so hard to move on
still loving whats gone
they say life carries on
carries on and on and on and on

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
and i cant handle this

i grieve for you
you leave me
let it out and move on
missing whats gone
they say life carries on
they say life carries on and on and on

life carries on
in the people i meet
in everyone thats out on the street
in all the dogs and cats
in the flies and rats
in the rot and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

its just the car that we ride in
a home we reside in
the face that we hide in
the way we are tied in
and life carries on and on and on and on
life carries on and on and on

did I dream this belief?
or did i believe this dream?
now i can find relief
i grieve

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