Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The stupidest piece of snail mail ever!

Well folks it is official. I like to surf the internet and sometimes buy things, so not only do I receive spam email, I get spam snail mail. I have received the worst, most disturbing and funny as fuck piece of mail, it was bound to happen. They just keep out doing themselves.
the mail in ? is a male enhancement product. For starts I am female, well last time I checked the parts I was. No problem. Not like I have a first name of Betty or April, Shannon is an extremely popular for both male and female, especially the year I was born. I digress.
This piece of mail is a attempt to sell men an *enhancement patch* that they stick on there body. here is where it turns into a bad porn letter, and a rapist credo. Hang on I have to stop laughing. This is the funniest most retarded letter? ever! Like *fucktard*. so if you are squeamish, or a minor (what the hell are you doing on an adult site?) leave *now*.
It starts with a tiny(thumb nail size photo) of an erect penis. And a claim of:

"all if you have to do is stick the ENHANCER PATCH any where on my body and...

1) Stay within about a dozen yards of the person I want to have sex with right away.( will it attract a man or a cat too?)
2) I don't have to say a word.
3) I don't have to look at her.
4) The chosen person's subconscious will detect my powerful pheromones. (or bullshit, seriously I am dying here trying to write this)
5) In-at the most-one minute, she (he, it,?) will feel, as never before, an totally overwhelming desire to make total wild love. (here is where the bad porn script comes in)
6) She will not be able to control herself, whatever her age (18,25,50 or more...) (now it won't work on anyone under 18, cause that would be illegal, so pheromones only work on those over 18. and more? implies 80? that is fine if you like 80. what age does Hugh Hefner sleep with as he is 80-something? I could just see a guy with it at a nursing home.)
7) She will absolutely will beg me to make love to her.
8) She will have a huge desire of her life to give me a blow job. (sounds like our writer is an English as a second language, or a horny 23 year old virgin)
9) She will ask me to take her forcefully, again and again. (it *is* every womens fantasy to be raped repeatedly)
10) Even if she has never engaged in anal sex, she will implore me to try it with her."
It goes on to offer a free gift "that no matter your age and/or physical condition that in 2 minute of taking you will be proud to have a penis like a baseball bat that will work immediately- even for older men, and those with sexual problems. this is absolutely guaranteed. You almost will be able to use your penis as a small drill because it will be as hard as an ax handle. (oh baby when you are done drilling me I have a new door knob I need drilled!)"
They also have a "formal written Golden Guarantee" and if the patch doesn't work for me? "Quiet frankly, this *has* never happened"

And that's not all, there is a 4 page porn letter story. with thumb nail pictures of a woman's mouth, etc. the story is of an Uptight 28 year old woman, mother of a 14 month old boy, happily married woman. and the things she would never do with any man. (she works in a retirement home, honest to whatever, I didn't even realize that when I made the comment earlier) So she does with this old man, retiree... and she feels drugged and uninhibited. with such famous lines as "I was filled with his nectar".
next "she is in her Dr's office, and reads in a scientific journal, which includes comments from the great (unnamed) American sexologist regarding a product called 'the ENHANCER PATCH' "

"the ENHANCER PATCH also works for women who want to attract men"

The great American Bullshit story? yes.
a retarded read, yes.

This is My February my gift to you, is, if you accept, and are over 18. I will, send you this letter for you to read, in person in all of it's glory, (with all of the bad thumb nail sized pictures) so contact me and you to can share the joy that is my junk mail! Oh and the person with the best story of the reason why you want this, will win. (if anyone cares)
Can't wait to see what March's is.
Thanks for reading!

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