Tuesday, February 10, 2009

well I'm really fat!

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.

9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.

8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.

7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.

6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.

5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"

4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.

3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.

2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.

1. You're sweatin' gravy.

Now with that out of the way I have started to exercise. I lose weight or I die. lovely huh?
true though.
I did a lot of physical work once I got clean and ended up dumping 205lbs I was at 333lbs.
Something happened, I was attacked by a roommate, and I started gaining weight.
one thing lead to another and i weighed myself today I am 493.9lbs.
I have been making great strides. I am in a group. I am swimming. I am working so hard. and the nurse, and dr, and therapist and ANP and acupuncturist all think that I am doing great.
I felt great before I got weighed. I went to see the dr. as I am hurting from exercising, blood work, and an appt today. they tell me it is muscle. I am 6.1lbs short of 500lbs. I was 538 at my highest I am 44.1 lbs from that weight. All I can see is a ticking time bomb. me.
They tell me to give it time. I don't feel I have it.
I stopped being actively suicidal, now i am just trying too eat myself to death...
I don't know how much longer i have, something will give.
what do you do when you are to scared to live and to scared to die?

Someone gives me a compliment and I want to rip off my eyelids. makes me want to stick my head in a cake. So I start the post with degrading fat jokes. this is my life and I can't even take it seriously. what am I doing? what do I want? WHY?
I don't have much more in me.
No matter where I go or what i do, the past is there, nightmares every night, flashbacks more often.
How am I supposed to do this when I don't care. what made me care when I did my last attempt. I don't know what i am doing or where I am going, it doesn't look fun though.
why does it have to get worse to get better.
I'll take my meds and go off to visit the nightmares.
My therapist told me to make a PFD~ Personal Flotation Device for my fairy for me to hold on to when i feel like I am drowning, so I will make one tomorrow and keep plugging away and hope that all of my hard works starts to pay off, or i am screwed.


Anonymous said...

I have an overweight problem as well, always have had, but managed to control it most of my life until the last time I stopped smoking, I gain 25lbs in six weeks. Never lost it and i'm not happy about it.

I have to tell my students "I know I'm fat, but will you stop talking about me in the plural!"


beth said...

Bib - I am really rooting for your health and healing. Demons be gone!

Alan said...

Damn, it's always something in life you know. But I know you deal with thngs with humor and that's great medice in this crazy world. Your list was hilarious no doubt.