Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Therapy 101


I went, the people were nice. I am not sure of the presentation. I know how some of it applies, as I am doing so much of it. I just need more structured and directed learning. It's like a puzzle I know what the picture looks like, I just have to fit the pieces together. and how they apply to me.

When my therapist mentioned this last week, I felt like she hit me in the head with a bat.
I thought that she and I were doing this individually. (that is because when we started seeing each other that is what we agreed on, Jesus, why should they do what they say, *I have to*)
So I was building trust thought we were getting some where, and *WHAM* nope, no, not at all.
Not on the same page, the same book, the same library, town, state, country, planet, solar system, Galaxy, universe, Omniverse. Get the picture?
I did.
it hurt.
Where the hell have I been for the last year?
How the hell did I not see this?
(I know how arrogant, that I know what is in other peoples heads)
Apparently I have been doing nothing for a year.
Except giving myself assignments off of what therapy sheets she would give me.
working through things at the speed of pain.

I have to do this work, I need the help. I need more than what I have. it is imperative to my further survival.
My body can't take much more. Everything that upsets emotionally me manifests itself physically somewhere. and now I am not sleeping well, having migraines, and constantly sick to my stomach.

Can't even get into to how it effects my TN.

Imagine if you will, I am drowning.
drowning in fat, pain, and mental anguish of every form.
body taxed to the max, as organs have already failed.
If I have another attempt, it won't be one.
Fortunately I am not actively suicidal in any shape of form.
So what the hell do I do?
"I keep moving to be stable"
it is not fast enough, I am afraid that I am losing the war.
I have won some battles. the war is far from over.
this war I am fighting is for my life, to have one, to have a future.
I feel like I am plugging leaks just to find a new one making *NO* progress.
I am better than I was this time last year.
the only way out is through, I have to be where i am to get where I am going.
I vomit every time I take a shower, due to flash backs of abuse in the shower.
I have nightmares every night, due to the abuse.
I am having new flash backs at 1 a month now.
Things to terrible to even remember are coming to the surface so i can deal with them as I feel i am *safe*. because if I don't deal with them they will kill me (remember the many years of drug abuse to be completely numb?)
They are ripping me apart. whether I remember them or not.
and they are coming to the surface whether I like it or not.
they are as brutal as they were the first time, *that is why they were blocked*
I feel like I am being ripped to shreds all at once and a little at a time.
this is why I was a JUNKIE!
I am not any more, and I have nothing to block the pain except some skills that I am learning on the fly, by the seat of my pants, and I am drowning.
I can't swim fast enough.
And I have just spent a year doing the circle jerk with therapist (who isn't even there with me but somewhere else destination unknown)


Someone please explain this to me, as I am at a complete fucking loss.

I want to stick my face in a chocolate cake.

I need help, I want help.

AND.... these are the stupid fuckers that are supposed to help fix me.

Why do I keep trying? Cause I want to live, I want a life that I thought that was never possible.
I want have all the things I want and need.

How am I supposed to do this?

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