Tuesday, February 17, 2009
well.... I'm losing weight
thank whatever, weight is coming off huge and fast. That is good *really GOOD!*
I was last Tuesday the 10th at 493.9 lbs. Yesterday monday the 16th I was 475.9.
that was at my PCP office he ordered blood work. An hour after I went to the specialist (endocrinologist, and a nice one cause she was nice to me this time) and her scale said 475lbs. and I emptied all of my pockets and all I only had on was my underwear(top and bottom), tank top, pants, and socks and the scale then said 461lbs. Any way you look at it this is what I have been waiting for the huge loss, so at least 18 maybe more.
the specialist wanted blood so I had 200ml taken (30ml is an ounce) exactly 6.762804511780001 in ounces. so needless to say they are taking good care of me (or taking all of my blood)( I had all of the blood for both dr.'s drawn at once, I'm getting smart)
And I had euphoric recall from my drug days. If they want that much blood, the can poke and poke with a blue butterfly OR they can get a green butterfly and a 200ml syringe and suck it out(which takes less than a minute this way and one poke) (which is what blood tech did) in the process of pulling out blood with a syringe (she did more pulling than pushing) but just enough that my head dropped through my stomach and I wanted to die.
Needles are for medicine not pleasure, but my funky brain still equates a push with a high.
You would think that would be a great thing for an ex poly, as it wasn't just one thing, it was everything I could get me hands on, or in a needle.
It takes me back to a very painful part of my life. and the this just hilarious, due to the fact at that point I was blotto all the time, and the time I wasn't I was assuring that I would be as soon as possible. That is a living nightmare to live like that. waiting for the dealer to show up, waiting hours. When? WhEn? WHEN!!!!? and it is never as good as promised, it is death, slow but death none the less. I remember my first dr. appt in treatment when I had to have my blood drawn. I was so scared. and I was Higher than a kite when I got back to treatment, and they were so mad at me and I was so scared. And My counselor knew that I was having euphoric recall, and explained it to me. (I was supported by a sponsor when I went so I was never out of sight of her so I had covered my bases with out knowing it.)
So I am sticking with my diet modifications and swimming and moving more. and it is paying off.
I was ready to give up and I had won.
That is how it is with me.
I have already won I just am the last to know, and I have given up.
Every breath I take is one that I am not supposed to have.
I am tired, I am losing weight through my skin and every other place. I am hot and sweaty and that is the best thing I could be, in thermo genesis.
It will get harder the less I weight and I will get stuck, as long as it is down I will work on my patience, and optimism.
Thanks for all the kind words my friends. You are more help than you realize. for that I am grateful for you.
I keep trudging....
thanks for reading!